Geez

Coughing non-stop and my throat has started to burn. Blocked nose. An incredibly uncomfortable feeling mushrooming especially when you breathing get shorter and you hardly can speak. There my friends, haze season is back. I’m all decked out in my Afgan, prancing around the office looking like a wet mop, sniffling and snorting.
This last report was a bit of a struggle to complete. Hurdles are everywhere, stress level like a mountain and nothing is as it seems but as usual, monkey see, monkey do. Too bad, we are the monkey after all.

Boring stuff a side.

It’s finally felt real.

I never know it was such a hassle to even choose paint, or a floor or a couch. I stare at the empty space and nothing comes out, nada.Nothing pop out of my head beside a sense of pride and achievement.

I have not done anything, it still raw and pretty bare.

Despite the scariness, I have achieved a tiny fraction of my dream, to have a place that I can call home to be share with my love one.

Wow, that’s another thing that is surreal too.

Will let you know once ribbon are finally tied.

Cranberry

She keep stirring her glass of cranberry juice. Ice has start melting. Occasionally she will reach for the cold fries. Somehow munching away the almost stale fries make her feel safe. It’s the only thing that she could do to feel comfortable in this most awkward moment. His stare pierce through her. Cold.

“so, you’ve decided then?”

She keep on stirring. Nothing came out of her mouth. She slowly nod.

He pick up his glass and drank his cranberry juice. Just briefly. Just a little bit.

Silent.

Ice have melted completely. Cranberry juice has lost it tastiness.

She wishes that time will quickly pass while he wishes otherwise..

 

 

 

curbing my “wants”

I had this sinking feeling when the apps I really want to purchase, is not supported by my iOS. it need iOS5

Darn you Apple! shoud I or should i not?

Men

I do not know man so much. How they structure their thought or plan their life. Even what they do or see boggle me. I have lived with men. The matured, the growing man and the soon to be little man.

I have lived with man who is enigmatic. There are things that he don’t display or show but are affectionate all the same. That could be the first opposite traits that I recognize between genders. I was screaming for my Dad’s love and affection when the old man just being like any other men in the house. Distant, emotionally.

 It’s always the love and hate situation in the house. But when I sick he’s the one that cradle and drive me to hospital. My old man didn’t talk much of love or feeling but I can seem to recognize it in his voice when he called my name. At times, I swear it was heavy with love and care.

Then, came the growing man. He was angry at the world all the time. Retreat himself in his own cave, or kingdom. What make him happy are only his friends. Our home was just a place to eat, shit and sleep (if I may put it so bluntly). This would be the second lesson I get from living with man. Man grows up slower than girls mentally (which was proven later scientifically). The idea of being thankful to their surrounding, or being the grown up to the younger ones are just fleeting of their mind. They have very minimal sense of acknowledgement or appreciation.

The soon to be little man is the fun one. Quite annoying at time and have no sense of what is right or wrong. The little man do what they do, and want what they want and do what they do to get what they one. At time the little man can be your friend and sometimes your nemesis. The little man like to do stuff on its own and being mega-secretive! I learn at this point to never push a man button when you don’t want to be crushed (e.g never stole his favorites robot for your masak masak session or you gonna get the consequences!)

The old man has left us. I’m still stuck with the growing man and the little man. To be fair, the growing man grows up to be a man. Patient and calm. The little man also grows up to be a man. Responsible and funny. Yeah they still have their moments of crazy “growing up” man and “little man” sometimes

And I still pretty much clueless about men.

Does it really?

Doom. I can no longer enjoy chocolate. Chocolate are now forbidden. No more chocolate bar, chocolate drink, chocolate cake.

Does it really that bad Doc?

Medical has list out 5 most common culprit for migraine of which all (except one that are totally forbidden) are my favourite!

Too bad.

Now I should stock up soda for rainy days

also read :

Basic knowledge on migraine

You can stop your Headache Pain

 

Blergh

To get on,
I’ve to pretend..
That
I’m alone, no relation, no expectation
Not looking out for anything in future
Not waiting for any proposal or thinking bout settling down
Just to avoid
Unwanted, unwelcome…disappointment

Geez,
This arrangement really suck, big time!

The Happiness Project and other bilis-ly attempt

I wish am this organize!

Being happy is merely a perspective. I clean my room to be happy. I threw away 5 (yes five!) bags of rubbish (gee..I was a hoarder)

I packed,wrapped ,labelled  bags of unused and unwanted clothing hoping to hand it over to those who need. Every time I completed the task (sneezed all over myself, dusty dusty room) I’m beaming with smile. A sense of accomplishment although how small are a spark of happiness to me. I have become so easily amuse at this age.

I woke up and switch on the radio, secretly dance to the beat half awake, half rationale, half myself. That make me rather happy too. Ha-Ha

During last christmas, feeling a bit festive,I bought little fairy lights and hang it up my bedroom, make my own night light . Small flickering light also make me happy. Easy!

How to be happy when things get tough? Well, every time shit happen, I try and think of those people less fortunate. Just to remind me how less shitty my problem is and it is not as bad as those people. That is a small pick-me-up thought that get me through the day.

If it didn’t work? I go and get myself an ice-cream, preferably vanilla flavor (on second thought, MUST be vanilla ). Ha-ha-ha

Life meaning

I received a so-called pep talk from the Respectable couple of day ago. In between thinking about the system ID that went wrong, the job that piling up in an instance and thinking about my low battery smartphone, I remember clearly that he asked me whether this is the department I want to flourish in. Whether I have find meaning in the life and job that I do. Whether this is my true calling.

Finding meaning in life/job is not as easy as a simple nod or a smile.

I for once, am sure that I am less ambitious in climbing the corporate ladder at a speed of light.

Then I ask my hearty what I truly want. Sadly, heart also do not have a direct answer.Meaning in life is just too hard, too big and too fluid to even justified in words. I can be sure at one time and unsure at the others.

As of now, all I want is when day are over.TIred and worn out but I can still genuinely smile thinking about what I did. Happy. Contented and at peace with myself.

Breakfast thot : of work, marriage, kids, education and life in general

I had a nice morning today. Waking up early, I sat at one of coffee shop delving myself into beans on toast and some good read. The topic of my interest is “paying to Learn” on the issues that private education can cause us a small fortune but is it worth it.

Is it really worth it? I flipped to the said article and my eyes quickly caught the bold phrase that says-Standard 1 education starts from RM13, 000 and Form 5 education costs RM16, 000 and that ‘s only for the national curriculum.

I felt that suddenly the idea of sending my future kid(s)to private school vanished into thin air. Can I afford it if I want to? What exactly I want to achieve sending them to this school? I feel my pocket thinning about this instance. People might say going to private school does not guarantee success, just like going to a public school does not mean failure. But if I am to put in into my perspective, academically I would try to look at the syllabus of private and public school and see if its enough to equipped my son(s) or daughter(s) with the skills needed.

Then I will look at the environment of the school, if reason being for you to send your kids to international school so he’ll be fluent in English, I bet you, you can get the same environment here in certain school in Klang Valley. You don’t need international school for that. I have seen my colleagues who packed up and moved to another part of Klang Valley so they are near to the best public school and can send their kids to these schools of choices.

Then the spiritual part of it, as a Moslem a good Islamic education is not something of an option. It is a must. It is something I would look into as part of child education.

But again, there are other alternative ways acquire a lot of things, be it skills, culture, spiritual needs or one’s self-confidence. There is no straight or fast rule to all this. Nothing fixed or constant. Decision will be made base on time, situation and financial. Given the rough calculation of inflation rates, Allah’s will, by the time I have kid and they are ready for school the cost tripled or quadruple and I might not have choice of a private education at all.

Then I flipped though the news paper and it is flooded with the story of political circus, the big brother denial of world problems, the killing, death, snatch, kidnapped, raped, the selfish. The truth is newspaper can be such a mood killer in the morning and should not be a daily reading material to those fainted heart.

Of the world today, and the life cost, have you every had this anxiety a the back of your mind that just may be, just maybe bringing a child into this world is a scary and tough business? In certain time lately I have been alternating a role of a sister and a mother for just a few occasion and it’s scared me, terribly. Worrying about you kids, what would happen is really a stressful business that I put my hat off to my mum and all other mum’s out there.

I remembered one of my friend used to say to me. There is a reason why “anak itu rezeki”, “ini rezeki anak” is said for century in our culture and by Muslim. Starting a family and having somebody that depends on you and look up to you is a very significant events in someone life. Yes the pain of delivery a baby to this world is unbearable, but looking at this small and tiny foot, and their eyes and to know that you are a mother /father now and that you have another soul to protect and care change and motivate a person significantly. It gave you reason to live. It gave you rezeki (blessing) in a form that you can’t find it in any other way.

And now, the one hundred dollar question,am I the maternal type or not? I encounter this question again and again, in the form of two  gorgeous kids?) , the two H

I do have friends who, despite being in stable relationships, have not yet been overwhelmed by the urge to procreate. They like other people’s kids, but don’t feel the need to have their own.

How would a man resist having a kid? It is already hard coded into our gene, I guess.

What about career then? I later stumble across another articles of a stay-at-home spouse. I have numbers of educated friends who decided to be a stay-at-home spouse, these is not uncommon these day. For some cases, many parents think about shelving their career, either temporarily or permanently especially of their kids yet to start school to nurture and taking care of their child early development as well as bonding and caring for them. Yes, they are risk to be managed and it is manageable if you carefully plan for it. But what really concern me is majority of people in our society have a certain double standard to those who brave enough to take the plunge.

The most common misconception are: –

 “rugi duit tanggung kamu belajar, last-last nak duduk rumah je jage anak?”

“perempuan yang tak kerje ni otak tak berkembang”

“malas nak susah kerje,sebab tu berhenti”

I strongly disagree with such notions that unfortunately are how our society (even the mother’s) perceives such brave spouse.

I do not wish to elaborate more on this but would leave you(who ever you is) with an excerpt for another professional woman point of view (she’s later change her profession) to reflect

we (and by we, I mean men and women), always fall for the stereotypes in our verbal communication with regards to this topic: that if a woman is intelligent and has a mind of her own, she HAS to have a career. But in this day and age, I come across many women who don’t have a mind of her own, who is not in control of the path she has taken, who just so happened to end up having a job, because she studied in school, got a scholarship/loan, went to university, and had to get a job to service her financial commitments.

It’s boils down to choices you willing to make, your life priority, what make you happy and what really really worthwhile. Everything else is secondary.

WORTH WHILE

It is easy enough to be pleasant,
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is one who will smile,
When everything goes dead wrong.
For the test of the heart is trouble,
And it always comes with the years,
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth,
Is the smile that shines through tears.

It is easy enough to be prudent,
When nothing tempts you to stray,
When without or within no voice of sin
Is luring your soul away;
But it’s only a negative virtue
Until it is tried by fire,
And the life that is worth the honor on earth,
Is the one that resists desire.

By the cynic, the sad, the fallen,
Who had no strength for the strife,
The world’s highway is cumbered to-day,
They make up the sum of life.
But the virtue that conquers passion,
And the sorrow that hides in a smile,
It is these that are worth the homage on earth
For we find them but once in a while.

Poems of sentiment by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Chicago, IL : W. B. Conkey Company, c1906.