Category Archives: Peachy

Don’t put off happiness

Picture this.

I just spent almost two hours laughing your heart off over a great show. Both of us are now sitted at a cozy expensive restaurant. The scent of wild jasmine perfuming the air. Waiter and waitress was sharply dress, smiling to all customer demands and the smell of food make my tummy rumbles even more.

But all the beauty was wasted on me. I’m to busy scanning the menu, tabulating the potential cost of the meal. There’s no entree less than RM25. But oh! A pasta with lobster in creamy sauce!! I always want to know what lobster taste like. I would like to order that but it’s the second most expensive thing on the menu next to the rib eye. Well, maybe, I think, if I don’t order appetizers or dessert and perhaps drink plain water only.

“What look good to you?” I ask him

“The rib eye”, he says. “The beef salad and the oyster. Yummy”.

“Wow”, I say.” two appetizers?”

“What are you having?” he asks.

I look down at the menu, revising my order based on what his meal will set us back.

“Hmmmm…the Caesar salad”.

“Main course? Dessert?” he asks.

I shake my head no.

“That’s all you’re having? Salad?”

I shrug. “I’m not really hungry or thirsty”

Or alive, he’s probably thinking, but is too kind to say.This is usually my situation, especially if I’m the one paying the bill or if I am obsess with my calories intake. I will pass up what I really want and am left feeling dissatisfied with what I choose, which of course leave me craving for more. I try desperately to hide the miserly part of myself but I doubt I’m fooling anyone.

I like to plan. I do have a details plan of what I want to do in the next couple of years. I dictate how much my

spending for food, petrol or leisure for a day. I always have this sense that things could be taken away in an instant. Tonight we are lucky people that can afford to go out to eat here- tomorrow, who knows?

But as I sit at the table watching Shaz so easily give himself to the moment – glorious food at a perfect restaurant, I realize that my miserable feeling is not about the food we ordered. Succulent rib eye versus ‘goatish’ Caesar salad. It is really about enough. I approach life from a place where there’s never enough. Enough money in my ASB. Enough lobster. Enough love. Enough shoes. Enough clothes. It’s easy to live in this scarcity model because it’s what I know. In a strange sort of way it give me peace and feel safe.

Shaz, on the other end, approaches life from a place of abundance. There’s always enough, even when there’s not. He is pleasure now and I am pleasure later. But the thing about pleasure later is that while you’re waiting for later, you actually turn into a person who orders half portions and lives half-life.

So I ask myself again. Do I want a half full or half empty life? Do I want to plan and calculate all the time or do I want to live as it is? I am sometimes too serious for my own good. Work demand seriousness but I need to learn to loosen up a little on the other aspect of life and savor the pleasure of life one pasta with creamy lobster at a time 🙂

p/s = counting calories is a good thing it is just sometime I go overboard.

Coffee

I love coffee. I really love coffee. If coffee is a man, I probably proposed to it, and live happily ever after.My favourite foodblogger ,featured coffee in her food blog. I never knew that one way of making a coffee is mixing it up with cold water and let it sit/steep for at least 8 hours before you strain them. Memang harus bersabar!

Look at this beauty! It managed to make me run to kitchen and fix me up a cuppa of the delicious very very sinful coffee.Bliss

Long weekend

Yes, today is public holiday.

Went for lunch with a friend, have a heated conversation about the PPRT flat that was disorganized and seem to sacrifice the basic human need. We have come to a conclusion that IT was build only for the sake of building it.

Finishing off my Labour’s day project. I completely de cluttered my cupboard, pack 6 bags of clothing (was untouched for 2-3 years) and send it of to the recycle.charity.org  recycles bins (look more like a cute shade) for other people in need.

Walk around Garden but can’t find any sleeves for my macky.

*blip..Huston, we got problem!

Perasaan aku terdera. Lebam dan membiru. Masa adalah penduga yang maha hebat. Kadang – kadang aku rimas dengan hati yang terus berfikir dan mentelah setiap minit dan setiap saat yang berlalu. Hati yang berfikir? Lihat!aku sudah separuh nanar.

Aku tekap tangan pada muka. Nafas ku hela. Lama.

Absent really make the heart grew fonder.

Aku sibukkan diri dengan urusan-urusan “san-hati”. Banyak yang berlaku, yang baik dan indah segalanya. Ada masanya aku terpikir, makbul agaknya doa dia untuk aku di sana . Senyum. Sikit masa lagi aku akan mengubah rentak perjalanan. Kerja adalah aku, dan aku adalah kerja. Aku rasa hilang identiti tanpa pekerjaan. Jadi perubahan besar ini akan mengubah identiti aku selayaknya.

Aku belajar dalam masa sesingkat ini yang adakalanya – money is everything. Tetapi “everything’ itu adalah “state of mind”. Aku perlu duit tapi aku rela kekurangan sedikit duit demi hidup yang lebih terjamin (insya Allah) untuk aku dan masa depan. Cabaran kerjaya? Ya pasti ada tapi , bukankan 5 tahun di firma itu cukup menyediakan aku dengan ape jua bentuk cabaran?

Sudah la hati..kata si luncai

Terjun aja dengan labu labumu!

But change is never a waste… it’s never a waste of time

There goes March. The week after next, April will come knocking.

It is interesting really of the sudden twist of event. I remember how sweaty I am walking away from that institution wandering whether I was con by some Dato’ but I sit myself down and take a step back. I was having an unreasonable panic moment actually. No. I was not con by that honest Dato’.

After 2 weeks of sleepless night while carrying my heart out in my hand, it works out. Thanks to Allah, it’s finally work out! I am very grateful of the blessing you bestow upon me .It is a dream really, no matter how old and the degree of work need to be done (not that much considering the age), it’s still keep me smiling ear to ear from time to time like a fool. I feel like hugging everyone I met yesterday. Honestly!

I am still a bit hazy of the next step. I am still contemplating of what to do and how to go there. But I believe I’ll get the hang of it eventually. But boy am I proud of it! That 1455 square of bricks wall are my dream. If I were abandon or left alone in this world I finally have a place to return to. Home. But like most young-careered person like me with maybe I have to wait another year or two to really enjoy you. Reality is my one man salary is just too tight to enjoy you at the moment.

So this week I ‘m going to clean and polish you my dear grey elephant and start our love affair that I hope will transcendent time.

The speaker in this door is blown…so nothing sounds quite right

Rain just stopped. It is as cold as spring. Feels like any second the icy breeze a will partially froze the tip of my nose. And the little ice chip, landed on my skin shyly giving me small little jolt of wintriness.

Thunder clasps several time.

It’s 16 degree Celsius here. Perhaps temperature drop a bit then measured due to the rain.

I wrapped my sweater tightly again my body.

Nothing is as intriguing as reliving good pleasurable moments as this.

Old entry : How you define love?

How you define love? People been asking me again and again. In the mist of ‘wedding fever’ where friends and acquaintances jump into marriage wagon like it a 4×400 runs, this question keeps popping up around me. Since I am the eligible one among them (padahal ramai lagi), they been having this impression that I do not know how to define love and to read signal. Weih aku tau lah! I’ve been in love before tau! Maybe my sensory antenna a bit rusty sebab out of practice kot. Itu possible.

Let me gave you my two-cents on this topic. I try be as delicate as I can with my word to avoid hurting any parties. *grin*

How do I define love? Herm. Love is universal but if we are talking about love between a man an a woman. I would quote this “dari mata turun ke hati”.Love will later built on similarity. If both party love each other and moving towards similar goals usually they will stick together and eventually end up together. I’ve seen this happen to people around me. After a few years they tend to go separate ways because they are not heading to similar goal. But then, love also unique. People from separate world could end up together. People from different place living in different continent might end up together. A twist of fate. Because of their love so strong they defy all the differences between them. Love is acceptance.

Have you been in love? Soalan ape nie. Isk. Well believe it or not, if you plus,minus,darab bahagi,campurkan dengan puppylove square root kan dengan true love, devide dengan love at first sight…erm.. I have been in love. I don’t know about the other person but I truly believe what I felt was love. It’s scare me damn much. But it is love, what I felt, what i think about, what I imagine, what i experience…it’s all love. It makes me wanted to always catch his glimpse, even for a second , to always know what he’s up to, to know his feeling, teaches me that absent really make the heart grew fonder. Ha-ha..see I told ya..I knew it. For all my life that’s is the one time I really felt it.

Have you been out of love? Of course I have. Do you hate him? At the beginning…yes. I have been going the full break off cycle. First, blaming phase, I blame him and later on I start blaming myself. The come the second phase, obsession phase. Ha-ha not as bad as it sound. I wanted to be more and much better than him. Just to let him know what he’s missing. Gosh…that was dumb! Then the third phase, acceptance, learn to let go and accept that you guys have crosses path at a wrong time. Perhaps later your path might cross again and you can started over. As anything, acquaintance, then friends or anything else. How long. Well I guess it’s different for everyone. I have been taking more than I think I should take.*wink*.

Do you know how to read sign? Ha- what sort of sign? I guess I know just don’t send out mix signal. I usually get confuse. Better be straight to the point.

Do you believe in second chances? Absolutely yes. I know! I do. so what?

Do you hate your past love? This is bull. Of cause I don’t. They teaches me a lot. Please refer to above statement.

Do you believe this statement ” if you love a person, just let him/her go, if he/she doesn’t come back, it means you are never meant to be, if he/she does, it forever yours to keep”

Herm…I do (when I was drunk in romanticism), but then I don’t anymore. It just a trick to make you wait for something that totally unsure. In a movie yes, in really life, like right now…herm…i don’t believe it anymore but if it do happen…to anyone…well that’s just magical!

Ok. So do I answer all your questions? (to all that been asking me over and over again). Any more questions? Tiada siaran ulangan untuk soalan -soalan diatas. Penat!

Conversation with my guts

Panting. I just finish unclogging my bathroom sink. Surfing mindless stuff and occasionally pretend to be quad-lingual talking in multiple languages. Hurray Google Translator! I can order room service in Swahili 🙂

That’s a side; I am in dire need of a writing therapy so here goes…

You see, sometimes stories of people around you impact you so much that it is impossible for you to get it off your mind. Unconsciously, I’ve been trying to sabotage my life by getting myself buried deep into all their problems. I am now overly sad and under the weather. Divorces, affairs, money, money, frustration, loneliness, lost, polygamy, monogamy, man’s man, girls’ girl: – you named it, and I’ve heard it all this week.

*Silent

Dreadful so I asked myself; what is happiness? What exactly we need to be happy? Why is it that there is so many sad lives lay bare upon me?

We human are such a hungry being. We feed on and on and on as long as we can. We never easily satisfied. Never content with what we have. I am becoming overly unsatisfied with what I have, sorry Depp you have to listen to me scrawling and ranting about mindless stuff. I’m sorrier if I make you worried of stuff  that you and I have no control off.

So I pick myself, have a sit and asked my guts. What is being happy?

To me, happiness is just a matter of perspectives. It’s a state of mind. It does not have a definite answer or a standard way to measure.

I’m having a “every-girl” panicked recently …worried of biting the dust, drained my egg, heirless, penniless, loveless, partnerless (I can continue on and on you know) and end up old hag with 40 cats in a raggedy old house hence making myself miserable in the process.  At the scheme of things, it could be true but on grandeur view and spiritually I have faith that greatness in store for those who wait.

I am trying my best to balance out feeling of wants, frustration and contentment so I may reach the equilibrium of things and be at peace with everything. I myself will not settle for anything less just to be in the same page as everyone else. I knew it in my guts that I for once will not married or settle for conveniences but for what I want and love.

I don’t feel like I’ve achieved what I need to achieve, but it’s like scaling a mountain and you reach this amazing plateau where you can see the heights that you’ve climbed. You take a short rest, kick off your shoes, perhaps doze off for a while, feeling the wind on your face, taste your position and the amazing view, you contemplate life’s little questions and then you look up and see the rest of your journey, unhindered by clouds, a magnificent path to the peak of your existence.

Phew.

Sometimes we need reminding

We all know that in order to become a successful Moslem we must be able to be the very best in matter of “dunia” and “akhirat” This is a known fact that have been preach for generations. The lectures have been in the approach of not do this, not do that and do this, does that.

I was lucky to have received my education in an environment that values Islamic knowledge on everyday life, I was lucky to be born and grow up in kampong where learning to recite Al-Quran is a must for every kid. I was lucky that I was bless with a great “tok guru”. All and all, I received it in the form of regulation and norm during those days. It was a cocoon. As a kid, you learn to adhere to rules but hardly embracing the true meaning of the teaching.

As I grew older, my soul gets hungrier and restless. I am not in the cocoon anymore. It is an open world where things are not black and white as I know of. You develop as an adult emotionally and also physically. You have need and wants that are foreign to you and you are challenge in ways you never thought before. Things that you know by heart were not as easy to adhere to as before.

At this age, I find the method used by our society making it harder for me to learn. Imposing rules without explanation and judging people at a drop of hat make people shy away from the classes and sermon. Not to mention the idea of politicize the Islam and the whole shebang. Honestly, I have the basic knowledge that was nurture for almost 12 years but I find it hard to move past that and grow as a Moslem. I need something that helps me strengthen my faith. Something that makes my heart and my will stronger and allow myself to affirm my faith. I told myself, every single day to go back to the root of the teaching, to adhere to the pillars and to adopt the values. I believe in not punishing people base on their appearance of they way they carried themselves. I believe in accepting people. I believe in the needs to be better.

The truth is, I am as weak and as imperfect as the next human. I have my ups and down. I have my bad moments, and good one. I’ve done things that I wish I never did. I’ve done things I wish I keep doing. There is a saying that goes “If your good deeds please you and your bad deeds upset you, then you are a mukmin (believer)”

Salam maulidur rasul everyone!

Revelation

For a brief moment, I’ve gain clarity on things. I realize why two very different people can live under one roof for ages. Why God pair a serious man with a gleefully girl, an angry man with a patience wife, a romantic guy with a shy girl.
It is because God knows more that we thought we knew.

God has a mysterious way of making sense of things.God is great

and I’m me again.Finally
God has a mysterious way of making sense of things.God is great

and I’m me again.Finally