Category Archives: Daily bits

The elephants in my room.

There are so many of them. There this pink one hiding behind the door. The big grey one stomping around the room and few tiny blue elephants that wandering around back and fro. Well those imaginary elephants are my never ending problems. They sneer and provoke me continuously.

Yeah those elephants are what I called other people expectations.

It’s not even the overarching idea of marriage that gets in our way, though we do get overwhelmed every time we really think about it but managing those “elephant’s another problem all together.

I realize one thing today.

You have to offer them for some help even if you do not want it. Especially when you don’t want it.

It’s a bit irrational but has to be done.



Coughing non-stop and my throat has started to burn. Blocked nose. An incredibly uncomfortable feeling mushrooming especially when you breathing get shorter and you hardly can speak. There my friends, haze season is back. I’m all decked out in my Afgan, prancing around the office looking like a wet mop, sniffling and snorting.
This last report was a bit of a struggle to complete. Hurdles are everywhere, stress level like a mountain and nothing is as it seems but as usual, monkey see, monkey do. Too bad, we are the monkey after all.

Boring stuff a side.

It’s finally felt real.

I never know it was such a hassle to even choose paint, or a floor or a couch. I stare at the empty space and nothing comes out, nada.Nothing pop out of my head beside a sense of pride and achievement.

I have not done anything, it still raw and pretty bare.

Despite the scariness, I have achieved a tiny fraction of my dream, to have a place that I can call home to be share with my love one.

Wow, that’s another thing that is surreal too.

Will let you know once ribbon are finally tied.


She keep stirring her glass of cranberry juice. Ice has start melting. Occasionally she will reach for the cold fries. Somehow munching away the almost stale fries make her feel safe. It’s the only thing that she could do to feel comfortable in this most awkward moment. His stare pierce through her. Cold.

“so, you’ve decided then?”

She keep on stirring. Nothing came out of her mouth. She slowly nod.

He pick up his glass and drank his cranberry juice. Just briefly. Just a little bit.


Ice have melted completely. Cranberry juice has lost it tastiness.

She wishes that time will quickly pass while he wishes otherwise..





I do not know man so much. How they structure their thought or plan their life. Even what they do or see boggle me. I have lived with men. The matured, the growing man and the soon to be little man.

I have lived with man who is enigmatic. There are things that he don’t display or show but are affectionate all the same. That could be the first opposite traits that I recognize between genders. I was screaming for my Dad’s love and affection when the old man just being like any other men in the house. Distant, emotionally.

 It’s always the love and hate situation in the house. But when I sick he’s the one that cradle and drive me to hospital. My old man didn’t talk much of love or feeling but I can seem to recognize it in his voice when he called my name. At times, I swear it was heavy with love and care.

Then, came the growing man. He was angry at the world all the time. Retreat himself in his own cave, or kingdom. What make him happy are only his friends. Our home was just a place to eat, shit and sleep (if I may put it so bluntly). This would be the second lesson I get from living with man. Man grows up slower than girls mentally (which was proven later scientifically). The idea of being thankful to their surrounding, or being the grown up to the younger ones are just fleeting of their mind. They have very minimal sense of acknowledgement or appreciation.

The soon to be little man is the fun one. Quite annoying at time and have no sense of what is right or wrong. The little man do what they do, and want what they want and do what they do to get what they one. At time the little man can be your friend and sometimes your nemesis. The little man like to do stuff on its own and being mega-secretive! I learn at this point to never push a man button when you don’t want to be crushed (e.g never stole his favorites robot for your masak masak session or you gonna get the consequences!)

The old man has left us. I’m still stuck with the growing man and the little man. To be fair, the growing man grows up to be a man. Patient and calm. The little man also grows up to be a man. Responsible and funny. Yeah they still have their moments of crazy “growing up” man and “little man” sometimes

And I still pretty much clueless about men.

Breakfast thot : of work, marriage, kids, education and life in general

I had a nice morning today. Waking up early, I sat at one of coffee shop delving myself into beans on toast and some good read. The topic of my interest is “paying to Learn” on the issues that private education can cause us a small fortune but is it worth it.

Is it really worth it? I flipped to the said article and my eyes quickly caught the bold phrase that says-Standard 1 education starts from RM13, 000 and Form 5 education costs RM16, 000 and that ‘s only for the national curriculum.

I felt that suddenly the idea of sending my future kid(s)to private school vanished into thin air. Can I afford it if I want to? What exactly I want to achieve sending them to this school? I feel my pocket thinning about this instance. People might say going to private school does not guarantee success, just like going to a public school does not mean failure. But if I am to put in into my perspective, academically I would try to look at the syllabus of private and public school and see if its enough to equipped my son(s) or daughter(s) with the skills needed.

Then I will look at the environment of the school, if reason being for you to send your kids to international school so he’ll be fluent in English, I bet you, you can get the same environment here in certain school in Klang Valley. You don’t need international school for that. I have seen my colleagues who packed up and moved to another part of Klang Valley so they are near to the best public school and can send their kids to these schools of choices.

Then the spiritual part of it, as a Moslem a good Islamic education is not something of an option. It is a must. It is something I would look into as part of child education.

But again, there are other alternative ways acquire a lot of things, be it skills, culture, spiritual needs or one’s self-confidence. There is no straight or fast rule to all this. Nothing fixed or constant. Decision will be made base on time, situation and financial. Given the rough calculation of inflation rates, Allah’s will, by the time I have kid and they are ready for school the cost tripled or quadruple and I might not have choice of a private education at all.

Then I flipped though the news paper and it is flooded with the story of political circus, the big brother denial of world problems, the killing, death, snatch, kidnapped, raped, the selfish. The truth is newspaper can be such a mood killer in the morning and should not be a daily reading material to those fainted heart.

Of the world today, and the life cost, have you every had this anxiety a the back of your mind that just may be, just maybe bringing a child into this world is a scary and tough business? In certain time lately I have been alternating a role of a sister and a mother for just a few occasion and it’s scared me, terribly. Worrying about you kids, what would happen is really a stressful business that I put my hat off to my mum and all other mum’s out there.

I remembered one of my friend used to say to me. There is a reason why “anak itu rezeki”, “ini rezeki anak” is said for century in our culture and by Muslim. Starting a family and having somebody that depends on you and look up to you is a very significant events in someone life. Yes the pain of delivery a baby to this world is unbearable, but looking at this small and tiny foot, and their eyes and to know that you are a mother /father now and that you have another soul to protect and care change and motivate a person significantly. It gave you reason to live. It gave you rezeki (blessing) in a form that you can’t find it in any other way.

And now, the one hundred dollar question,am I the maternal type or not? I encounter this question again and again, in the form of two  gorgeous kids?) , the two H

I do have friends who, despite being in stable relationships, have not yet been overwhelmed by the urge to procreate. They like other people’s kids, but don’t feel the need to have their own.

How would a man resist having a kid? It is already hard coded into our gene, I guess.

What about career then? I later stumble across another articles of a stay-at-home spouse. I have numbers of educated friends who decided to be a stay-at-home spouse, these is not uncommon these day. For some cases, many parents think about shelving their career, either temporarily or permanently especially of their kids yet to start school to nurture and taking care of their child early development as well as bonding and caring for them. Yes, they are risk to be managed and it is manageable if you carefully plan for it. But what really concern me is majority of people in our society have a certain double standard to those who brave enough to take the plunge.

The most common misconception are: –

 “rugi duit tanggung kamu belajar, last-last nak duduk rumah je jage anak?”

“perempuan yang tak kerje ni otak tak berkembang”

“malas nak susah kerje,sebab tu berhenti

I strongly disagree with such notions that unfortunately are how our society (even the mother’s) perceives such brave spouse.

I do not wish to elaborate more on this but would leave you(who ever you is) with an excerpt for another professional woman point of view (she’s later change her profession) to reflect

we (and by we, I mean men and women), always fall for the stereotypes in our verbal communication with regards to this topic: that if a woman is intelligent and has a mind of her own, she HAS to have a career. But in this day and age, I come across many women who don’t have a mind of her own, who is not in control of the path she has taken, who just so happened to end up having a job, because she studied in school, got a scholarship/loan, went to university, and had to get a job to service her financial commitments.

It’s boils down to choices you willing to make, your life priority, what make you happy and what really really worthwhile. Everything else is secondary.


It is easy enough to be pleasant,
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is one who will smile,
When everything goes dead wrong.
For the test of the heart is trouble,
And it always comes with the years,
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth,
Is the smile that shines through tears.

It is easy enough to be prudent,
When nothing tempts you to stray,
When without or within no voice of sin
Is luring your soul away;
But it’s only a negative virtue
Until it is tried by fire,
And the life that is worth the honor on earth,
Is the one that resists desire.

By the cynic, the sad, the fallen,
Who had no strength for the strife,
The world’s highway is cumbered to-day,
They make up the sum of life.
But the virtue that conquers passion,
And the sorrow that hides in a smile,
It is these that are worth the homage on earth
For we find them but once in a while.

Poems of sentiment by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Chicago, IL : W. B. Conkey Company, c1906.

Bilis do some swimming 1

Iryani Lob is the last of the great eccentrics. The funny thing is, she doesn’t know it. She thinks her behaviour is perfectly normal. She sees herself as a pillar of propriety and a paragon of protocol. Iryani has strong views about every topic under the sun. There’s not a subject she doesn’t know about or a moral point she can’t pontificate on. Iryani is entitled to be a little arrogant. She knows an awful lot about an awful lot of things. She is well versed, well rehearsed, and deeply immersed in the kind of knowledge that we lesser mortals can only dream of attaining. Thankfully, she is there to shed the light and show the way. This, she does generously and patiently, as befits a person of superior intellect. Iryani Lob is wise, intelligent and (thankfully) oblivious to irony.

Or, at least, that’s how Iryani Lob is, at her worst. She can’t help it. She’s an Aquarian and Aquarians are infamous for their occasional outbursts of pomposity. Happily there is another truly delightful side to her. Iryani is as honest as the day is long, as generous as the ocean is deep. This is partly where the eccentricity comes from, for a person with such strong opinions Iryani is surprisingly willing to please. she is keen to win friends and influence people. She loves to feel that she belongs. She always wants to be in on the action, part of the scene and one of the gang. Rather like Groucho Marx though, she is never sure that she would want to be part of any club that would have her as a member. She is always on the lookout for some new cause to support, or enterprise to sign up to. You might think that this would make her fickle but actually Iryani is exceedingly loyal. She may be forever expanding her horizons but she never forgets her friends and she never reneges on her commitments. This is why, despite the highly idiosyncratic nature of Iryani’s personality, so many people think the world of her.

[FInd out about yourself here]

30 years and 8 days: Marinated but not quite ready

You see, I have devise a certain unique way of benchmarking this particular franchise. Success of my meal depends entirely on its potato salad. I find that the potato salad of this very said outlets were never the same. They will have the same potatoes washed and halves. The same kind of spring onion diced, the same salad sauce mixed to marinate the potatoes but there is always a way to diferentiate their potatoes salad. I had this one salad with taste of earth/dirt in those cute little potatoes. Mind you it was washed, given their strict kitchen rule( that i know of), but somehow that very perculiar taste shine thru and it wasn’t so bad. Seriously. Just like I don’t hate the bitterness of bittergourd anymore or the fact that I kinda love them now.

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Turning 30 also wasn’t as bad as I dread it to be. Despite the fact that, physically we are aging , i feel nothing have change except I’ve become more excepting of things that I missed out, things yet to be done, and things as there is.


Being 30

“Women in their twenties tend to have this ‘get better’ mind-set—they’re looking at their lives in terms of making progress. It’s like, Well, I’m only 25, I’m figuring things out. Then there’s a shift at 30; we think we should already be perfect. Instead of thinking, I’m trying to get smarter, we have to prove we are smart.” It’s as if we think we’re fully cooked and ready to come out of the oven, when in reality there are parts of us that may take decades to be fully realized.

my only friend is my leg, i only trust my leg – Geronimo

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Once upon a time woman were banned from marathon as there are medical claimed that running will torn out woman’s uterus.

They were WRONG.

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