I am much a woman than I thought I am.
I do not know how to describe or even explain. Being in relationship comes with certain advantages. You explore feeling that you never know exist before. Uncharted land, unknown territory.
How normal is being insecure? I have been insecure all my life. Praise be to Allah, the feeling reduce over time [not gone tho]. I’m always afraid of things that I can’t control. I do not have the sense of peace knowing that I do not control the outcome. That was an arrogance me few years back. There is no way I can control my life to that extend. That the work of God and I am just a small dots in the vast sea of dot-ness.
Too small, too weak and too insignificant.
I remember when I was little. The plump, geek-ish [I model the Harry potter’s famous spectacles long before it was a trend], over fed kid will sink herself on her parent’s bed reading stuffs. I will pick up the heaviest book on my mum’s collection and start reading. I told myself, in between all those sophisticated and mouthful world that I can’t understand that one day I will know what this book is about. I will know all the fancy words and understand the meaning and be a lady full of wisdom and change the world.
However 2 decades later, I realize I still can’t figure out most of the think in life. Hell, I think I can’t figure out more stuff that I can during my childhood. No wonder everyone loves being a child. Looking at the world in such a simple view, lead a simple life is definitely a life that every adult willing to trade for.
To add the pain to my already wounded soul, oftentimes I was told that I do not have the “face’ that can woo the opposite gender. Hence I need to study hard and excel academically to have a lot of money and be happy. It was rather harsh for a fat kid like me but I persevere and follow through.
Yah, my posting have o structure. This is not really what I’m trying to write. Hak..hak..hak..
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that, I am still clueless as ever of what I want, what I have and what I do and need to do.
You’ll get older but not necessarily wiser; wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes but about learning to escape afterward with our dignity and sanity intact