I just spent almost two hours laughing your heart off over a great show. Both of us are now sitted at a cozy expensive restaurant. The scent of wild jasmine perfuming the air. Waiter and waitress was sharply dress, smiling to all customer demands and the smell of food make my tummy rumbles even more.
But all the beauty was wasted on me. I’m to busy scanning the menu, tabulating the potential cost of the meal. There’s no entree less than RM25. But oh! A pasta with lobster in creamy sauce!! I always want to know what lobster taste like. I would like to order that but it’s the second most expensive thing on the menu next to the rib eye. Well, maybe, I think, if I don’t order appetizers or dessert and perhaps drink plain water only.
“What look good to you?” I ask him
“The rib eye”, he says. “The beef salad and the oyster. Yummy”.
“Wow”, I say.” two appetizers?”
“What are you having?” he asks.
I look down at the menu, revising my order based on what his meal will set us back.
“Hmmmm…the Caesar salad”.
“Main course? Dessert?” he asks.
I shake my head no.
“That’s all you’re having? Salad?”
I shrug. “I’m not really hungry or thirsty”
Or alive, he’s probably thinking, but is too kind to say.This is usually my situation, especially if I’m the one paying the bill or if I am obsess with my calories intake. I will pass up what I really want and am left feeling dissatisfied with what I choose, which of course leave me craving for more. I try desperately to hide the miserly part of myself but I doubt I’m fooling anyone.
I like to plan. I do have a details plan of what I want to do in the next couple of years. I dictate how much my
spending for food, petrol or leisure for a day. I always have this sense that things could be taken away in an instant. Tonight we are lucky people that can afford to go out to eat here- tomorrow, who knows?
But as I sit at the table watching Shaz so easily give himself to the moment – glorious food at a perfect restaurant, I realize that my miserable feeling is not about the food we ordered. Succulent rib eye versus ‘goatish’ Caesar salad. It is really about enough. I approach life from a place where there’s never enough. Enough money in my ASB. Enough lobster. Enough love. Enough shoes. Enough clothes. It’s easy to live in this scarcity model because it’s what I know. In a strange sort of way it give me peace and feel safe.
Shaz, on the other end, approaches life from a place of abundance. There’s always enough, even when there’s not. He is pleasure now and I am pleasure later. But the thing about pleasure later is that while you’re waiting for later, you actually turn into a person who orders half portions and lives half-life.
So I ask myself again. Do I want a half full or half empty life? Do I want to plan and calculate all the time or do I want to live as it is? I am sometimes too serious for my own good. Work demand seriousness but I need to learn to loosen up a little on the other aspect of life and savor the pleasure of life one pasta with creamy lobster at a time 🙂
p/s = counting calories is a good thing it is just sometime I go overboard.