A friend was one stuck in a looping relationship for years. He was never appreciated, cheat on couple of times and taken for a ride the rest of the time. He invested in her for thousand of ringgit, entertaining her shopping for shoes, clothing and handbags not to mentioned sponsoring her study abroad a couple of semester. Mind you the 3 credit cards that max out and the string of debts that follow him around. She even asked for RM20, 000 for a mas kahwin!
I keep on telling him that all was not worth it if they keep fighting and frequently enough he end up in tears (inside) He somehow knew it in his heart that she was not the one, yet he could not muster the courage to move on for fear of being alone.
The fear of being alone. Staying on with someone who doesn’t laugh with you, who isn’t on the same page, who doesn’t make your heart jump like a mad bunny … largely because the thought of being alone in the long run is just too scary to contemplate. How many of us have been there and done that? It’s so much easier to go with the flow. At the very least there’s that warm body next to you at night and someone to spend the weekend with.
But how long can you keep fooling yourself? What do you tell your heart?
Ask yourself why you love the person you’re with. Is your answer based on how he/she treats you?
“I love him because he’s so nice to me”
“… because she always cooks me my favourite dishes”
“… because she’s always going out of her way for me”
That’s just not enough. Naturally, when people get into relationships, they behave a certain way towards each other. It’s not too hard to go out of your way for someone you’re courting or trying to impress. What happens when there’s no longer a need to impress/court? What’s more important is how that person behaves towards you AFTER you’ve been together for at least a year, i.e. after you’re back on the ground from the whirlwind of romance. And really, the best gauge of a person’s inherent character is how he/she behaves with people other than you.
I am not saying that he or she should be a saint. Zero defect, no problem because to me no problem is a problem. Human are a flawed being. We have weaknesses. Fight is good so long we know how to argue correctly and patching thing up the right way. Argument should make us confront embarrassing details of each other and work things out for the better. I am very much disagreed of a breakup because he or she was doing something bad and on that ground we ditch him/her. Who are we to say we are cleaner or better. Sometimes we are just standing on a much ‘safer’ ground hence lesser temptation. What better is understood and working things out. I for once value sincerity, staright-forwardness and loyalty. Of sincere effort to make it better, of feeling truly remorse of the wrong doing that break the heart of your love one and the efforts put to make things better. Believe me, if you love someone, you are entitles to every right to fight for your relationship!. Trust is the most important thing. It must be earn not give. Sometimes after a rocky argument things might take a slower time to recover for trust to be rebuild but understand this it is better to know and talk about things that hurt you then to leave it hanging.
Anyway, my friend finally found the courage to break off with her and he is now got a string of calls from her family to take her back as she start having affairs with few of her married colleagues which I told him none of his business now to become a savior for someone who deprives her own self worth to that.
Good riddance though, eh? At least he’s now found a woman who “makes his heart jump and skips everyday”.
So, how do you know that you truly love someone? Well I think, if two years later, you still find yourself breaking into a silly open-mouthed grin in public whenever you see that person and your heart feels like it’s kembang-ing into a giant smile, and you can’t stare into each other eyes long enough before your heart skipped very fast, your mouth dried and you feel like your heart going to burst any time soon because you are too happy; that’s a pretty good indication. This is not lust but love.
I’ve always liked watching elderly couples dance (in telly of course!). Particularly the waltz. A gentle, dignified and graceful partnership between two people who are comfortably in step with the other’s rhythm. Moving through life as partners; one leading the other, but both supporting each other. That they are even dancing, symbolises the enjoyment of life together. That it is the waltz, represents the quiet dignity and grace of two people who respect each other. And that they are old, signifies growth and acceptance of each other as partners.
For me, the whole image epitomises the enduring nature of a true love.
And so, I’m hoping that the bunny hop that we’re doing right now will not only continue, but gradually evolve into that one beautiful, graceful waltz under the light of the moon although the last few days we had another hiccups and my heart really bleed. I believe that we can patch it up if you want.