Finally I take the plunge.
Mind you it wasn’t easy. I was offered with several paths to choose and it is all very yummy.
I have become somewhat sluggish on what I do. Demotivated and literally drag myself to work every morning. There are one thousand and one reason of loathing what I used to like before. One are nastier then the other. I do not want to spread the disease although it has already grown into a malignant tumor in some.
Statistically, if you hate your job when you reach 30, you are going to hate it the rest of your life. In US 84% of U.S. workers are unhappy in their jobs and 80% of corporate worker fantasize of leaving their job. Yes, this statistic might not apply to Malaysian or me
But bottom-line is like those people, I am unhappy with my job.
I have some many blanks to fills. I still am figuring out what I want to actually do with my life. Because real job in life is to find out why you are here. In order to make any kind of lasting contribution, your job must “feed” you in some way.
The current one doesn’t feed that but only tiredness, stress and feeling angrier every day. There are people in my office that are emotionally and socially cripple due to the insane working hours, on medication to stay on their feet or like me feeling like a zombie stuck in limbo.
Once you are zombie-fied, you start harnessing the negative traits of a zombie:
1) Kill people for food /job
2) Backstabbed for higher grade then you deserve
3) Introduce very racial based comment
4) Dishonored other people in the fight for promotion to chief zombie and alike
It was painful to see the ship sink but much more painful to sink together when you already know you are going to sink way before it happen.
I might not know fully what I want but I do know what I don’t want: materialistic, fast-paced, career-oriented life. I guess it take me a full 5 year and a few bumped and bruises, losing love one and watching their life slipping by to realize that the life I thought I wanted…clearly isn’t
So it takes a mistake and a long hard year to know what I don’t want. Sounds logical. You don’t know till you try.
But sometimes, the consequences of learning what you don’t want are much too high. Other people get hurt. Because as much as we like to kid ourself that it’s empowering to act on your beliefs, principles or whatever self-help mantras that turn you on, our lives are entwined with others. We’re all a bunch of fish hooks in a bowl. Pulling one out inevitably drags a whole mess of other hooks along. Can you really rip yourself out of the entanglement without severely affecting another?
Sometimes, we just have to.
After the dust and tears have settled ,the wounds are bandaged though and pain are healed, on a philosophical level, I just hope for the sake of the long run that yet to come there will be better trail to run and minimal damage to the life I risk.