Telling myself

To write one post everyday. I’m adamant to stick to it


Hello World

I remembered such phrase as the first C++ coding I learned back in dinosaur years.

I was a bit reluctant to revive this but what the heck, too much thinking; too much reasoning leads me nowhere.

I was a wreck most of the time nowadays. Too tired from pumping, driving, coaxing my toddler who are now very opinionated on everything and tiptoeing throughout the day and try not to make too much mess.

But all said and done it just part and parcel of life. When everything is over, and the night sail through looking at my incredibleTWO son and my husband, I feel such contentment. If I can rewind my life, I would have it the same way over and over. Alhamdulillah.


Wow. August 2012 to almost August 2013. It’s an achievement for some because long hiatus from the digital world seem unworldly these days. People are practically glued to their mobile even while driving or ‘depositing’ gold at the loo.

Life goes on. Loosing love, find love, laugh, cry and all in between. What is life without some lulls? Reality is, life has been kind to me. My fellow comrade and I have survive a years of turbulences and heartache.

I don’t feel like sharing most of my life details with the world. Being in my 30s I somehow develop this inclination toward being rather private in the Net. Being in social media is just so I could stay connected with friends. I would rather have such conversation with people who are close to me. Posting  my wedding video’s highlight on social realm with the intention of fulfilling relatives request had make me feeling a bit queasy. That’s how rigid I’ve become.

Truth is. I’m rather preoccupied with my new found title. Having said that, now I have a roommate. So adjustment is in evitable. We are working on it one day at a time. A lot of negotiation and compromise is in order to make this a success.

Hurrah to the new life!


My affair with food

Nothing excited me more that food. I love good food and always wanted a proper kitchen where I can whip up something to my liking. To experiment and fail, to cook and be proud. So when I’m stress out after a long day at work, I can quietly retreat to my humble kitchen and prepare a hearty soup. And the world will be just right once again.

To make my affair into a joyous event, I need /must get the right equipment. Right is not in the sense of function but also pleasing to the eye.

I need a good food processor, a nice Dutch oven, a wicked normal electric oven, one mean refrigerator and rather handsome coffee presser (preferably Bodum, it make my heart skip a beat!). Having said that, the pocket is still quite dry this season. Perhaps over time I’ll get all that I want.

I have never attempted any DIY.  I’m really scared to start one and I think I want to embark into one massive DIY project. It will involve removing and repainting and repurposing. I don’t know if I have a knack in doing home improvement work but like wise man said, in life never left stone unturned. Wish me luck! I need it. Seriously.

Oh yeah

I remember one time when I was exploring a sample house somewhere. The house was design to a modern taste and was beautifully decorated to suit modern feel. It’s small but functional.
Someone make this comment “Semak rumah ni, sesuai untuk Cina je, takde ruang nak sembahyang” I was rather stump by that racist comments.
And there is another, the usual
“Dah berisi belom?” to a girl that was 6 months into marriage. Then later they talked behind her back on how not getting pregnant after half a year of marriage is so abnormal and absurd.
“ mandul la tu”, this remark make me feel like slapping their face.
I just don’t get it; somehow somewhere despite modernity and Internet people are so close minded.

Shade of grey

My place is pretty much as it is. Thousand times I decided to do, and thousand times more I contemplate. I could not find the shades of grey that I want. The surfing has been long and the result is unpromising. The occasional store hopping is pretty much tiring.

I want a clean grayish-white wall. Black and white and grey with occasional untreated wood here and there. If it permits, there’ll be explosions on color on smaller items just to give it some character. But yet it has not materialized.

I’m glad he approves of my choice .Shaz and I, if you have met us will know that we prefer simple and practical things. I am glad that both of us are on the same page on this.

Old furniture will be shipped out soon. Hurrah for a little bit of progress! However I have decided to salvage one of the wardrobe and the kitchen cabinets (for now). Truth to be said, I could not set my priority just right. My bearing is off. I want to buy everything and nothing at the same time.

My walls are still not grey. Repainting work has to be put on the back burner until all the soon-rendang-fatness settle in my tummy. Shaz will definitely be deployed for this mission. I cannot do all 8 walls and stair case on my lonesome. I have curtains to be re-sewed. Probably a mattress and some kitchen stuff to put in. It will look like a home pretty soon, every single piece that I brought in to the house almost bring tears to my eyes

It’s probably nothing to some, but acquiring these 1000 square feet concrete was an emotional journey for me. At last, in this corner of the country I have something that I could call home.


Yesterday I was frantically looking high and low for one of his hantaran. Cold sweat running through my body just to think that I’ve lost it. I’ve bought it but now I lost it.

Only after two calls later that I realize mum already took it back to kampung.

I’m nervous. Yes I am. Whether thing going to get ok, is my baju alright? And The makeup? Will it make me look like ‘opera cina’. I seldom doll up, wear eye shadow or mascara. How do I look? will i look ok? Or not. Is the hantarans enough, the food to serve, is it going to be ok? Will they like it? I get all jumpy thinking about it. Why that I can do the crazy job I’m in now and a simple arrangement like this drove me up the wall.?

My friend keep telling me the first 5 years of marriage is challenging. I have not been in the league yet but the heat is on. Yes it is.

Tomorrow, I’m going to meet a bunch of good friends. Hope this can help me to unwind. If not all just for a little bit.

What is it about people leaving that make you want to leave too?


I find as I grew older, writing become achingly personal. I often find myself scribbling in my book, lost in a thought, attempting to get it right the first time. And those pieces of information was left store in some place never to be reread. Oftentimes I lost it completely.

Lately words are scare and passion for writing are as dries as the Sahara.I slack off, I know. For umpteen times, I keep telling myself, read something, write something but words are just words without any essence. I can walk in and walk out of a book store and no spark. Like a typical old married couple, no excitement, no zest.

Hence, I’m putting my foot down. I pledge to write daily, starting with a mundane stuffs all over this page again hoping it will somehow kick start these old engine of mine. And read a book a month (possible? I sure hope so)


(Why I keep thinking of the monkey villain (Mojo Jojo) in Power puff girls while writing this. Yes, I’m cheesy that way)

The elephants in my room.

There are so many of them. There this pink one hiding behind the door. The big grey one stomping around the room and few tiny blue elephants that wandering around back and fro. Well those imaginary elephants are my never ending problems. They sneer and provoke me continuously.

Yeah those elephants are what I called other people expectations.

It’s not even the overarching idea of marriage that gets in our way, though we do get overwhelmed every time we really think about it but managing those “elephant’s another problem all together.

I realize one thing today.

You have to offer them for some help even if you do not want it. Especially when you don’t want it.

It’s a bit irrational but has to be done.